Thursday, July 7, 2011

I WAS THERE...But NOW I'm HERE

Around this time six years ago I was a single mother living in Ellisville, Mississippi and I had just given birth to my first son Sean. During this pregnancy I had to face a tough reality. My reality at that time was that I did not have my son's father by my side, did not finish college and I was unsure of my existence. I had lost my grandmother months before to breast cancer and I did not want to live.

I WAS THERE....

I needed to find myself and I needed to know what I wanted to live for. When I found out I was pregnant with my first born I was so happy. The joy that took over me was unmeasurable. This was God's way of saying, "Dawn I need you to live a little while longer". I have always tried to escape my reality if it didn't look the way I wanted it too in the mirror. My escape attempts were harming my mind, body and soul.

I WAS THERE....

Months went on during the pregnancy and having someone inside of me growing kept me alive! I wanted to grow and I wanted to give him life. When I had Sean I cried joyfully. I could not stop. I could not believe what God had given me and why he chose me. I was grateful. Then it hit me. I had to do this alone and only God could help me. That was okay but could I at least get some help along the way from someone on earth?

I WAS THERE.....

Weeks after his birth I had come down with Viral Meningitis. This illness took over my body and I was no longer able to be around my child. This hurt me more than anything I had faced before this time. All of the abuse, all of the lies, and all of the troubles I went through could not compare to those weeks apart from him. I had to get better and I had to do it fast. Not soon after my recovery nature hit....

I WAS THERE.....

Hurricane Katrina destroyed what safety net I created for my son and I. We struggled for the first few weeks and it was 4 families living under one roof. I will never forget that experience and seeing how hard I had to work for my family I never wanted to go through that again. It was tough but we got through that the best way we knew how and that was fighting together. Helping others who had less than what we had was even more eye-opening during this experience.

I WAS THERE.....

Mentally I was never able to sit back and see how these major events would affect my next pregnancy. A new life. A new chapter. A new city. New Expectations. It may seem like it was better but in some ways it even harder for me mentally. All I have known is to struggle and to not rely on anyone else but myself up until this point. Now that I am married and we have had our first child together I am in a different space. Happier... YES. But lost---->Of Course! Why?

I AM HERE

I am in the same role as I was before but in a different setting. So many more emotions have surfaced and I have been so confused as to why. I am a college graduate this time around. I am with the man I love this time around. I am physically healthier and I am able to provide for my family. But why am I sadder this time around? 
It is all mental
The one thing that I feared the most was not a mental illness, not viral meningitis, not being alone, not being married, not Hurricanes, but it was postpartum depression. This is really an illness that should be monitored and I am determined to get through this the best way I know how. I was caught off guard by the sudden bouts of sadness but now I have a ritual that I can go through to get back to happy. This time around was not as easy as the first but when I break loose I have a testimony to share.

NOW I AM HERE... Highly Favored & Blessed... God thank you for loving me still!


*Inspired by "I Was Here" Beyonce*

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for being so transparent in a world where most people are caught up on public preception. I enjoy reading your blog and following you on twitter. You have helped me to learn how to be a better mother & soon to be wife. You have awakened my spirit in such a way that I'm determined to beat the odds! I can "see" the God in you and is so refreshing. I wish you and your family nothing but the best in life!

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