Thursday, January 27, 2011

[FLAWS & all]

Image by Photographer Allen Cooley
The past 48 hrs have been the absolute worst! Dealing and Fighting with my Mind along with outside forces that just cannot seem to get over the fact that my life is MY LIFE.


My family has truly stepped up and given me the courage to battle my thoughts and those that want to see me fall. God made me realize back in high school that I would always be different and NO ONE WOULD LIKE THAT.


When I found out I was Bipolar (my sophomore year in high school) I felt ashamed. I thought, "How could God give me this disorder when I know other folks crazier than me?" Bipolar does not equal CRAZY. My mother & grandmother taught me that this was a time that I needed to know WHO I WAS and Love myself for being ME.


The past 48 hours I have had thoughts of taking my own life, writing a WILL for my son's well-being, and just ending all relationships around me. How can I feel so low when my faith remains in GOD?


God allows us to be in low places so that we can look up and seek his guidance. Every day is not a perfect day for me. Every day is not promised to me either. My disorder really takes all of my energy most days and it is hard for me to even get out of the bed. But yet I have a child to raise, a family to be strong for, a career that does not wait on me, school assignments that have deadlines, and a LIFE THAT MUST BE LIVED.


I will continue to fast, pray, and believe in God that there was a reason for me to experience this Down Time. Those that are for me will be for me and those that aren't can kick rocks without a pedicure! I am BIPOLAR but this disorder will not take over my life. I WILL CONTINUE TO SURVIVE!

"Even at my WORST I am the BEST!"---- words by Big K.R.I.T

3 comments:

  1. can i ever relate? yup. i thought about you the other day. i was in office depot and they had a light (similar to the one you use for light therapy) and i started to buy one but decided against it. needless to say, i will be making that purchase next week.

    i love your candor. you are the only other person i know with this issue who is even willing to be open about it. i needed to read this today, for me it's been the last two weeks. every day it seems i wake up in a steaming pile, and i don't want to get up but being a full time caregiver takes the fullness of my time. i ask God daily to show me his glory in my mania. how does he get the glory when my mind is racing or when it's consumed with the most vile thoughts?

    you know i love you little sister and i feel it every time you type and hit "publish". here for you always. GOD BLESS YOU!

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  2. Keeping pushing,girl! You are right. You WILL get through it!! The past two years have been almost a nightmare for me and some days I just don't know how to move on. My faith has become stronger though and I know that I WILL get through this crazy part of my life.

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  3. For every mountain..there is an anointing available to move it.  For every obstacle, there is an anointing available to remove it. For every trial, there is an anointing available to push through it with praise. He is closer to you (in your pain) than one would dare imagine....and He knows your struggle, sis. I can venture to say that what you once saw as "your bipolar" experience...will become your "breaakthrough platform" from which the bondage so many see no hope or cure for, will be broken off of them and you by your testimony and deliverence. You have already won the battle Dawn....because it can not overcome your will to keep going....and to praise Him in spite of it all.  Your next level of dominion...will be tied to your anointing - and it's the Spirit of God who anoints you for the Journey.  I will continue to guard your back in my prayers....as you get your mountain.  In Jesus name it is so, Amen.

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